My title might sound cliche, but I’ve never felt freer than when I gave in.
See, I’ve been single for 4+ years, and I only found intimacy when it came to being promiscuous because I feared being hurt. I tried finding love in all the wrong places, so I let it be.
Then, I met Him. No, not Jesus. He’s a capital H-i-m because he saved me in a way.
I was drowning in self-pity and sorrow, kept getting in my own way no matter how hard I worked. The self-saboteur kept winning.
But Joshua helped me. He came at a time unexpected, and I feared giving in. He was so nice, gentle, sweet, but he had a roughness to him in all the right ways. It wasn’t hard falling head over heels.
Still, I hesitated.
After talking with my friend, also ex, Ritchie, he asked why I couldn’t allow myself to feel loved. The first thing which came to my mind was that I wasn’t good enough for love. How could I be? Everyone in my life abandoned me, turned from me, insulted me, broke me. To me, the common denominator was me. And if everyone treated me badly, then doesn’t it make sense to think that I am rotten?
A rotten fruit plucked too soon from the Tree of Life.
Joshua didn’t treat me that way.
He rushed into the “L” word, and that’s why I pulled back.
But after my talk with Ritchie, I knew I needed to give in, for once in my life, and let go.
Since then, I have been incredibly happy with Joshua. He’s made me laugh; made me feel beautiful; made me feel like I could be anything.
I am free in many ways, especially with my heart, but I know there’s still something dark within me. Though I am free in love, I am still a prisoner in my mind. I have much to figure out and I will have to face my shadow-self.
At least, I won’t have to do it alone.