My Love Stories

In honor of Melissa Broder’s chapter in SoSadToday where she titles every single instance of her love/sex life as ‘love stories’, here are mine:

  • Watching my parents have sex: A Love Story
  • Having my brother teach me how a man makes love to a woman by watching our parent’s porn, but I was only fascinated by the men’s dicks: A Love Story
  • Playing doctor with my female step-cousins: A Love Story
  • Trying to persuade practically every friend I met into playing doctor: A Love Story
  • Giving my best friend a blow job for three seconds: A Love Story
  • My first girlfriend had great breasts – and although I heart breasts – I didn’t fully appreciate them because I was starting to realize I was gay: A Love Story
  • Pining for my best friend’s older brother’s dick: A Love Story
  • Beginnings of falling in love with his corpse: A Love Story
  • As I walked down the hallway with my girlfriends, and they howled and taunted you for being a “sexy beast”, I looked up and stared at your ass, realizing I’m gay and therefore understood why I felt different: A Love Story
  • 3 years of late night phone sex with a thirty-year-old at age 13: A Love Story
  • Trying to suck your dick even though you were ugly because I was a desperate gay boy trying to have his first experience: A Love Story
  • Getting caught talking on the phone to a hot Asian guy in Hawaii by 30 year old perv who I had 3 years worth of phone sex with: A Love Story
  • Thinking guys honked and whistled at me as they drove by, when really they were honking and whistling at my female friend: A Love Story
  • Scared I had a venereal disease despite being a virgin and asking my mom to help me identify it over the phone, and it turned out that I rubbed my dick too hard from masturbation: A Love Story
  • Believing I was demon baby spawn with lava for saliva because your dick burned after I sucked it, but it was because I chewed Orbitz wintermint gum every time before we would “get to business”: A Love Story
  • You said I had beautiful eyes in front of your girlfriend and then we went behind her back to have a relationship where you then cheated on me with my best friend causing me to become depressed and upset to the point that I slapped you in front of everyone in the lunchroom, thus getting me kicked out of Job Corps: A Love Story
  • Sucking my first black dick: A Love Story
  • I only want to see your dick: A Love Story
  • Becoming celibate: A Love Story
  • Your mom wouldn’t let you smoke pot, so you came over to smoke out only for you to find out I’m gay, then you asked for a blowjob but only after you drank your bongwater: A Love Story
  • Ignoring me: A Love Story
  • Falling for my best friend’s fiancee who turns out to be bi: A Love Story
  • Going out on a date with a chub chaser who happened to be in a relationship: A Love Story
  • Following the chub chaser around like a lost puppy dog: A Love Story
  • Realizing the chub chaser was a dick and becoming besties with his now ex: A Love Story
  • Developing a weed habit and falling for my bestie’s cousin: A Love Story
  • She-male enthusiast: A Love Story
  • Crippled Wizard of Oz fanatic: A Love Story
  • A masseuse, a baker, and big-dicked love maker: A Love Story
  • Realizing what it was like to fall in love with his corpse; death of a childhood friend/frenemy who I ultimately crushed on and always loved: A Love Story
  • Moving near Chicago Pt. 1 – Living the lyrics to Evanescence’s The Open Door album: A Love Story
  • Welcome to Miami, or that time I hung out with a 54-year-old at age 20 to get a free ride to Florida, also there was that time at the beach where a conversation happened in front of me between the 54-year-old Cuban and some other 50-year-old guy in Spanish where the 50-year-old told the 54-year-old that I wasn’t interested in him, and he was right: A Love Story
  • Moving near Chicago Pt. 2 – I want to Rock-n-Roll all night and get my heartbroken every day aka “Go Die in a Fire”: A Love Story
  • Coming back home to my father telling me he knew I’d come back: A Love Story
  • Going on a date I didn’t expect to last more than 2 hours, or how I put it down so good I got my own personal Glenn Close (Fatal Attraction reference): A Love Story
  • Moving to Ohio – never doing that shit again, but I learned a lot: A Love Story
  • Moving back home after my father suffered a stroke, how I almost killed myself during Christmas, and the way I let a notorious shitty chaser use me and never once did I get off with him during sex: A Love Story
  • Several boys who do not matter but I allowed to break my heart: A Love Story
  • I hate you, and by you I mean myself, and I can’t tell you/myself why except that I base these feelings on external validation from others: A Love Story
  • Going out on a date and helping the guy realize he’s actually a transgendered female: A Love Story
  • Masseuse/Baker/Big-dicked Love Maker dies and so does my spirit: A Love Story
  • The back of a Mitsubishi Lancer in Denver, falling for a stranger, and how my insanity drove the possibility of love away: A Love Story
  • How one boy held onto a grudge for three years to tell me he hated me: A Love Story
  • Jorge, my own personal Mexican lover and how he tried to shove it in with no lube: A Love Story
  • That time I used animal-inspired-shaped dildos on a guy with a furry fetish: A Love Story
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