I’m fascinated by Melissa Broder. Ever since I heard her on the Mental Illness Podcast with Paul Gilmartin, I’ve been – infatuated really is the better word – studying her. The way she speaks, the way she writes, the way she thinks. She is not an idol to live up or look to because she’s fucking insane, and dirty-minded, and crass, and amazing. She’s blunt, she’s honest, and she’s deeply in-tuned with her mental fucked-off-ness, and she has the unique ability to express herself freely with words and speech.
I envy her.
I wouldn’t be writing these string of thoughts and emotions if it weren’t for her, or my ex who suggested the podcast during one of my monthly bouts of depression and self-pity. I desperately want to be as witty, creative, and dark as her.
But I have to admit that isn’t possible.
I am not Melissa Broder. I am probably not as fucked up as her. I mean, she has a vomit fetish (talk about unique). Sure, I enjoy some pretty taboo stuff, but nothing I’m really willing to admit (to men I’m fucking, sure; to an entire community that would blow it out of proportion, no thanks) or that I don’t already understand. Further, it isn’t anything that hasn’t been covered. Basically, it comes down to “daddy” and “abandonment” issues.
She also seems to relish in her mental issues. For her, it’s about understanding the root of the problem and celebrating her insanity. I’m looking for a cure – I think. It’s really more about stopping the depression, staying motivated in life, and not ruining all the things just because I feel like I don’t matter.
I can’t afford to quit life again or start over. Since I was 15, and I had to drop out of school due to being bullied and physically harassed, I’ve started over every year. The last year alone has destroyed all sense of emotional/financial/familial support, and it’s time I get my shit together. I hear the Universe loud and clear: “Time to depend on yourself, bitch!”
So, no, I don’t want to keep riding this depression cycle. In fact, I want off. I am willing to become paraplegic if it means jumping off in order to just ‘be’. Not even okay anymore. Okay appears to be bullshit. Can I just be a human being that goes to work, focuses on my hobbies and passions, and comes home feeling whole?
But that’s why I envy Melissa. She understands herself on an entire mental/emotional/spiritual level I hope to someday embody. However, I probably envy her more that she uses this understanding to make money and become well-known in the writing world. Maybe I’ll get there someday.
Until then, I’ll keep writing and creating because it’s my oxygen. Without it, I cannot live. At least I know myself enough to understand that.
NOTE: I found out Paul Gilmartin used to be one of two co-hosts of TBS’ “Dinner and a Movie” back in the 90s. I had the biggest crush on him growing up and to this day. I’m very happy to see he’s moved on with a successful venture.