Penultimate

This is the day before my last day in Ohio. Tomorrow, I’m off to Oklahoma where I have two job interviews waiting for me, as well as old friends and family.

Ohio was good for me on a lot of levels. But it was mostly my relationship with Ritchie that made any of it worthwhile. Still, I realized there are dumber people in other parts of the country than in Oklahoma. Thank god I found the people, who despite being from Ohio, have an IQ bigger than an ant.

I got in touch with myself, my wants and needs as a person, and my geeky side also. I realized I can be a writer despite the field and its limited slots for riches and fame. Sometimes, the money doesn’t matter as long as I’m happy doing what I love.

I’m stressing, hoping everything will fit in my friend’s vehicle. I wish I wasn’t so broke so I could just rent a moving van or something. Alas, this is the best I’ve got and I’m deeply appreciative of my friend for coming to do this.

Don’t worry. I’ll be writing and blogging to the regular Monday-Friday schedule. I don’t plan on stopping because, honestly, it’s been quite therapeutic for me. Again, I apologize for writing about the same stuff, over and over. Come Monday, it’ll be about my time in Tulsa.

I look forward to the future. I look forward to seeing what pieces of my life here will go with me there. I’m excited about job opportunities, about starting therapy, everything.

But it doesn’t mean I won’t miss everyone here, especially Ritchie. He’s done so much for me out of the love of his heart. I’m sorry I couldn’t ever do the same for him.

So this is the last you’ll hear from me while in Ohio. Next stop, my future. Jesus I’m scared.

Go on Living

Last night, while Netflix streamed, and I thought about a new post idea, Buffy’s Season 6 episode “Once More With Feeling” played. It’s a musical episode where a demon named Sweet haunts the Scooby gang with his influence causing all of Sunnydale to burst into song. As I listened to the music, combing through my mind about these recent weeks, I realized Buffy and I have too much in common right now. So here’s the music videos that best relate to my current situation (pay attention to Buffy’s lyrics, minus the “heaven” part).

 

So like Spike says, “Life isn’t bliss, it is just this ‘it’s living’; [I] have to go on living.” And one of my favorite lines of all time in Buffy: “The hardest thing to do in this world is live in it.”

Let It Burn

I wrote this the other day while listening to music. It isn’t about any singer, or person, in particular. This is dedicated to all those out there unsure of themselves. Do not let your fires go out. Let it burn.

She stands strong, a vision of fire and fury. She’s like stone, curvy with her hips and breasts, but her body doesn’t command the audience. No, it’s her voice, and it’s betraying her as hard as she tries.

She wants you to think ‘This is it, it is over’ but it is far from over. For ages, it will haunt her, the love she has for you. She gave with all her heart, and she uses her voice to show she still has it. She has to remind herself her heart is still there, and as hard as it hurts, it continues to feel.

As much as she wishes it could be undone, how much she wishes to have everything back the way it was, she knows it is for the best. It makes her stronger, more formidable, maybe a little more honest with herself and other possible mates in the future.

A new person is born in the ashes of her former self. That is why she is so destructive, so fiery in her tone. She feels burned, like a Goddess on fire, and she wants vengeance. But if she really wants to heal, she’ll use the fire to burn away her faults and help new flesh grow.

Inspirations came from astrology, Adele, and The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson (READ THIS DAMN THING!).